I'll type a regular journal next week sometime. Just wanted to let anyone who has me on Facebook know that I'm not even touching it for the next few days. And I won't be answering comments and replies and such very often.

I'm going through a tough time right now, and the last thing I want to do is go to Facebook, where I'm being ridiculed by everyone, including my own family. EDIT: Okay, so I talked to mom. And of course she made me feel guilty, as per usual. So I'm still going. But we're only staying for like one or two days at Amma's. And I plan on locking myself with her in Grandma's living room most of the time, and spending alone time walking and stuff with Mehgan, Mercy, and some of the girls. I can only take so much stuff at one time, though. I'll steal Amma's laptop, since I'm sure she'll need it hidden as it is in fear of it getting broken. >-< Little children are very curious... But I'm only going to spend time with some of the kids, and take care of Grandma because mom needs me. Lately all she's done is made me feel useless, cowardly, stupid, and a burden.. If it's what she was trying to do, well. You accomplished it, mom. I feel like shit. Woohoo?

I went to the doctor yesterday, all I got was a referral. So I have to wait probably another month at the least to get to a doctor. All he did was tell me to take an over-the-counter pain killer if my knees start to hurt, and I'm going to see another doctor about my sleeping problems.. Despite only getting a little over 2 hours of sleep yesterday, I was still up until 6 a.m. I lay down right after I got off the computer that night, and I couldn't sleep. And last night, after only getting that 2 and a half hours or so the night before, I was ultimately tired after being out for probably 6 hours for doctor stuff and getting that stuff ready for Mal, I couldn't sleep. Once again, I couldn't sleep until 6 a.m. All the doctor asked me was a few regular questions and if I was having thoughts or feelings of hurting myself or other people. And of course I said no, because despite sometimes having thoughts of hurting myself, again, I'm not going to say that with my mother and sister in the room. Besides, I don't believe in taking medicine for depression. I've been trying to get pills for anxiety, or some kind of prescription sleeping pill. Because regular sleeping pills haven't worked. And to add to that, I just

Sorry guys. I'll be locked in Grandma's with mom quite a bit and I'll spend time with each of you whenever you're up to it. But Amma really wants as much time as possible, and I know you guys want to spend a lot of time with her. I can't sleep as it is, but I have to be there to help with Grandma too. I don't want my parents to have to pay for a hotel either. So I'll just put myself in a never-ending mode of freak-out about Grandma. I just... I don't think and don't want to handle it right now. It's rare that I publicly have a break-down, not just voicing what I'm thinking. But I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I'm worried and scared.. I'm just dealing with a lot of things right now. Mal's internet got shut off sometime early Tuesday. I'm praying that this is my last night alone. With my luck, I won't see him until Saturday... I'm like completely different without him, it's crazy. It's like I'm back to being my old self. Confused constantly, depressed, angry, secluded.. But at the same time, emotionless to everyone else. And yet my heart is hurting so much right now. I don't know what it is. But it's like I lost a part of me...

Mom and I have been talking about maybe getting me that puppy I've been wanting for so long. I started to have sleeping problems when Midnight got sick, because I'd stay up all night until I fell asleep. Because I was up all night worrying about him and making sure he was comfortable. And then I didn't sleep for days after he died. I cried myself to sleep every night after that. And from there it's just gotten worse and worse. One big reason is that I've always had Midnight with me. I mean, since I was little he was always with me. And he was almost 8. I've had him with me half of my life. It's tough for me, because I'm just... Alone. No one to hold me while I sleep, or cry, no one to make me feel better. No one that I can hold who purrs at me and loves on me because he can sense what I'm feeling. When I hurt, he'd make me feel better. And I don't have him to hold anymore. These problems have been going for awhile now, and you could say that now my heart isn't with me.. I talked to Faye awhile back, and we arranged things and talked things through. I had to do it alone too. It was... Tough. But I realize that I hadn't lost myself to love. I was still able to take care of myself through tough times without Mal with me. I've been scared for so long that something would happen and I'd be left alone and not remember how to take care of myself. But I was reassured, and now all of my heart is with him. It just hurts that he's not here.

I'm so... Different, I know. Usually I'm optimistic, but without Mal here, I'm just back to my heartless, angry, depressed self. I'm not.. -sigh- Just not feeling too well these days. I'm facing a lot more than I thought I would. Without Mal here, and going back to fighting for myself, and fighting for someone else. You guys don't and never will understand it, but MJ and I are so much more alike than you know. Heh. I know it's weird because everyone just thinks "he was a stupid popstar" but he was human too. And I'm closer to him than I ever have been. I'm angry that it took me this long to realize how much of a help his music has been to me, and how helpful it is now. If you're one of those people that believes that he hurt people, and that he didn't change anyone else's lives, you're wrong. His music changed my life. As did he, as a person. He helped millions of people, and I'll be praying for you if you think wrong of him, and wrong of me for defending and fighting for him and who he was. He's smiling and proud of his family and his fans for fighting for him. Nothing else matters to me in the situation. So long as he's proud of what we're doing for him. We shouldn't care what others say as fans, just defend him the way he deserves, and respect him the way he deserves... Anyway, you could say that this whole MJ thing has really surprised me. It brought out a lot more than I thought it would. But I realized who he was, and who I am. It's hit me rather hard, I even cried quite a bit Tuesday night. I don't care if you think I'm stupid, but he was a gift from God, helping so many people the way they did. I hope that God has mercy on people ridiculing him still, especially on the Christians. Aren't you supposed to love all people, and hate their sins, not them? I love my uncle and all, and I don't know if Mercy or Mehgan is reading this, but what he said to me on Facebook is the kind of thing that gives people such a bad impression of Christianity. I'm not saying that he's a horrible Christian, but he made a comment that really made him out to be a jerk. Shouldn't you be praying for MJ? Not putting him down? It's no wonder everyone hates us as a community, with things like that being said. Look on the good things he's done, not the accusations. And do your research before you decide to start putting good people down. At least do a lot of research before you come to me and say that you believe he was a spoiled brat who did nothing to help this world. Got it? I don't care if you're my family, my friend, my foe, or just some random person. I refuse to listen to things from people who don't know me, and don't know him.

Now, as I was saying, I'm pretty sure that mom sent 60 dollars to Mal. She keeps trying to convince me to let her give me 40, and dad give me 40 since he's getting a new job. Mom finally agreed to just take the 60 out of my birthday money. But she's still trying to do the 40-40 thing. I really don't care, I just want to help Mal. And I just want to see him again. I've been so different, and confused, and I've lost my confidence without him here. I've just lost my will lately. And I'm desperate to find something to help with my sleeping. And I'm just still in total shock about MJ. But I'm trying to move on best I can, and be sure to add to my life to honor him in my everyday life, just like I do for soldiers, and my beliefs. I'll honor him with a tip of my fedora hat, and lately I've been wearing my red skater shoes like I usually do, but I have my long black-and-white-striped socks with sparkly hearts on them. x3 Actually, when waiting to get Mary's x-ray on her foot(she hurt it playing Pump It Up, they wanted to get an x-ray just in case) , a guy mentioned that all I needed was the glove. It was so sweet of him to say that. I'm glad that he noticed that I was wearing my hat and my red shoes with white socks(sorta xD I didn't even realize that I was wearing long socks with sparkles on them until later on) , in honor of MJ. I've been wearing my fedora every day, even if it's just sitting there watching tv. And I wore it during commercials while watching his memorial service. Of course I took it off to show respect whenever it came back on. I will always love MJ, no matter what anyone says. <3

Anywhos, I'm pretty much making this the length of a regular journal. xD But I wasn't gonna update again until like late next week or the next week anyway. I've been working on TECPS some, to give myself to do. So BE SURE TO CHECK OUT TECPS' DEVIANTART PAGE: ~TECPS AND MAIN WEBSITE: [link] FOR UPDATES! I EVEN CHANGED THE THINGS ON THE TOPS OF EACH PAGE, THE ONES ABOUT NEEDING HELP! OUR EMAIL IS NOW ON THE LIST, JUST IN CASE NO ONE NOTICES THE EMAIL AT THE BOTTOM OF EACH JOURNAL AND PAGE! NEW EQUIPMENT, POSSIBLE NEW TEAM MEMBERS SOON, PROMOTERS LIST IS NEXT, FINALLY! I'M ADDING NEW EVIDENCE FROM MINIATURE CASES, AND I'LL BE PUTTING CLIPS FROM RECORDINGS FROM THEM! I'LL EVEN SET UP SOMETHING WHERE YOU CAN DECIDE FOR YOURSELF IF THE OTHER CLIPS I DISPLAY ARE PARANORMAL, OR JUST AN INVESTIGATOR, OR WIND! THINK OF IT AS A GAME, IF YOU WILL. LET'S SEE HOW MANY OF YOU ARE PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR MATERIAL. >:3

Don't flame or anything like that when I say what I'm about to say. Because I've been dealing with it all week, defending myself and him. And I'm free to say it if I want to. But no one else is free to ridicule me. Voice your opinions if you wish. But bashing is not your opinion, it just makes you a jerk..

Most of you haven't known before, but I'm a major Michael Jackson fan. Not just of his music, but of him in specific as a person. If you have questions as to anything he's been accused of, trust me, I've done my research, and I can show you every source that has the truth. I cried like crazy on Tuesday, and this week has been hell because everyone is getting angry at me for taking time to do something off of my routine, and recognize a man who did so many great things.. So, I am praying for him and his family, and I pray that he is at peace. Especially knowing that myself, his family, and his loyal fans are fighting for him. Love you, Michael. <3

Oh, and take a look at this playlist: [link] I'm listening to it the rest of the week to honor MJ. And just in case you have something to accuse me of: I'm not ignoring showing tribute to soldiers and other causes that I believe in. So please just think before you say anything, because I'm already fighting my own uncle on this.

Last thing. Contest is still open, I'd like at least two more entries.

CONTEST

Any of my watchers may join.

First place will get a 3-month feature on my journal, along with a surprise photograph from me.
Second place will get a 1-month feature on my journal and a surprise photograph from me.
And third place will get a surprise photograph from me.

It may be a photograph, drawing, story. Whatever you decide to do.

Your picture MUST focus on my pageviews, and include one of my interests. I enjoy music, anime, and I'm in love with an amazing man. <3 Just look through my gallery some and you'll see some of my interests. If nothing pops out at you or you just don't want to center around the same subjects other people will be focusing on, you are more than welcome to note me and ask me any questions you have.

Note me, with the subject "Contest 10K" , and just ask to join. Include any questions you may have.

I will decide dates when I feel it is a good time to do so.

You may only make ONE entry. Your entry may be colored or in black and white, whatever you decide on...

Suggestion: Including things like lyrics from songs that I may have on my journals, which are always some of my favorite songs, is a good idea. Think of something different, and outside of the box.

ENTRIES:

*Red-Tora